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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.