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Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”