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If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.