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The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.