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People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.