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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Do bees even have knees?
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."