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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.