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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.