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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"