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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.