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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?