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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.