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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."