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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...