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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.