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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.