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It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.