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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”