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A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late