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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!