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*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!