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So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Some people just need to be clothes lined
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?