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There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.