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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.