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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom