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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.