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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar