Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!