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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
Whatever I did to make you hate me, Iād like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"ā¦