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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.