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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
A leaf blower, but for people.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?