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My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".