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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.