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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.