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I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.