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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don`t think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
I`ve given up on giving up.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?