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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.