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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.