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My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.