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Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
Long story short, I love summaries
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.