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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.