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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.