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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.