Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.