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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.