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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.