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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist