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Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.