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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.