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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.