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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.