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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
with great power...comes great electric bill...
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today