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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.