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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.