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There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll