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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.