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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk