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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Iām not getting old. Iām becoming a classic.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned