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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?