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It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.