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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
My anger management class pisses me off
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"