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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.