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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.